interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
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People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
The first one, obviously
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.