Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
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You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please