When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
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I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”