I don’t understand what’s happening here.
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Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Last-minute gift idea!
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me