*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
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Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.