6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
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*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent