“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
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I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life