In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
You Might Also Like
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Finally! 😈