Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
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Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!