I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
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Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad