No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
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Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.