I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
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Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King