The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
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Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I’m listening
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.