I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
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If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.