I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
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The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Jail
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.