I see that your IQ test came back negative.
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How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.