At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
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I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Hmm, not sure about this change
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Yes my dude
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that