Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
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I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Every BBC series about the universe.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
lol
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Meow
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.