When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
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“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
My blood type is coffee.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.