PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
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[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.