She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
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I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Children of the corn 🌽
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Simple
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not