Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
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Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.