I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
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Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..