Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
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friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.