When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
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Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.