“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
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Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Blew out my flip flop…
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
smartest karate player in the world
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
The perfect label doesn’t exi-