I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
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*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Writing, She Murdered.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
had to make it
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj