Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
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[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
me logging onto twitter
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please