GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
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Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person: