Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
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Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Close call…
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.