My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
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COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.