Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
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wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…