I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
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We decided to have money instead of children.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Thoughts
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.