me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
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If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
A dad and his duck