If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
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A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
ok this is my dumbest yet
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass