My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
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I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Ferrari squats
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21