I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
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Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!