omg leave her alone
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Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
🤣
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!