You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
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Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
very niche meme I made
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine