Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
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Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky