Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
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i hate you platonically
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Mission: Impossible
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.