PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
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There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.