As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
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I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
channeling her this year
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder