I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
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Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Need WebMD
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …