ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
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When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
58.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Wednesday
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.