“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
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Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake