4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
You Might Also Like
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
asking santa clause for nudes
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?