called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
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*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
I have many caverns
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
huge if true: the moon
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself