Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
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*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.