Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
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“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.